On the Destructiveness of Envy and “The Evil Eye”
In which I come to terms with a fundamental characteristic of humanity, at only-nearly-40-years-of-age
Food for Thought:
I have a couple of deadlines, so of course instead of attending to them I made this video. It’s about a recurring sphere of thought I’ve had lately, concerning jealousy, envy, criticism and aggression.
In this video, I recount some conversations I had that had enough of a theme that they got me thinking.
Putting this video up, I’m putting myself at risk of being thought “up her own bum,” or pretending to be less aware than I am, but I assure you: I genuinely think it’s weird that envy is such a destructive force among people. I don’t get the morphing process from “inside thoughts of longing” to “must destroy.”
I have my own share of envious thoughts.
You know who the person I’m most jealous of is?
Can you guess?
Greta Gerwig.
Why? Because she’s pursued a stellar career, in a field I wish I worked in. She’s done wonderful indies, she’s the darling of the scene, she has two children with charming old-man names, and her husband is also her creative partner (even if he has a bit of a questionable history, y’know, leaving his first wife with their newborn and all — but this isn’t about him, anyway, it’s about her). She is respected as a creative talent. She’s worked with some of the best people out there, including Saoirse Ronan.
She’s also lovely and understated, and even Ncuti Gatwa says he’s her biggest fan. No fair.
However, the thing is, I don’t believe that if I ever had the pleasure of meeting her, I’d give her backhanded compliments or try to shove her a bit off her footing, EVEN if she “has” a lot of things I’d like.
What fascinates me about jealousy is the “second” part — where you take what are actually aspirational thoughts of yours — “I wish I were like this person” — and then you twist them into jabby little weapons to try to hurt the person you’re jealous of (or envious of). Because that, of course, will give you want you truly want, those qualities you think that person “has!”
I saw a great post a while back about how envy is the world’s best teacher, because if someone else “has” something that gives you a pang when you see it, it’s the surest way to point you in the direction of your own longings. Thus, for me, the Greta Gerwig thing. YES, I want to write and act in and direct things, my envy taught me. And I’d love to have a partner I worked creatively with and developed scripts with. How much fun would that be?
She just did it before me. That doesn’t mean I can never do it.
I was talking with a high school friend about the absurdity of envy recently, and she told me: “You know, back in high school I was kind of jealous of you, too. I thought it wasn’t fair that you had so much going for you.” (And then she listed out the positive things she thought I had “too much” of).
What you can probably guess is that my friend has every single one of qualities she envied in me, in spades herself — I’d say “more” of a couple of them than I do. And yet even she recently confessed to have felt envy and a feeling of put-uponness when we were teenagers.
How funny we are.
The other thing about envy is that if we think anyone truly “has” anything we “don’t have,” then we don’t understand the fundamental nature of things. We are mortal beings. We don’t really “have” anything — not to keep. If someone “possesses” beauty, they only possess it for a time, maybe a couple of decades, unless you’re Sophia Loren or Helen Mirren. If you “possess” beautiful hair, you have that for a bit, sure. If you “have” charisma, it’s yours for a bit. We don’t have anything permanently, and also thinking about these things in terms of “possession” doesn’t really make sense. We don’t have *ownership* of them. They are not things you can own and guard.
Does that make sense?
Anyway. Perhaps I’m jealous of people who can get right to work without faffing about on the platform(s) of their choice first.
If you have any thoughts about envy, and you’d like to kindly and respectfully share them in the comments, then go ahead!
I have actually worked on a couple of other posts since I posted my last one. …They shall come. Thank you for reading and listening. It’s always appreciated.
I’m certainly not envious of Greta Gerwig because up until I read your essay I had never heard of her. I am confident I don’t envy anyone or anything. Even though by most people’s standards my life is a failure I don’t care.